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 Gems:
Enjoy some of the wonderful things sent to me by others.
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What the Dog Thinks
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.” -- Ann Landers
“I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a wierd religious cult.” -- Rita Rudner
“Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come, back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow ... They must think we’re the greatest hunters on earth!” -- Ann Tyler
“If your dog is fat, you aren’t getting enough exercise.” -- Unknown
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.” -- Ann Landers
My goal in life is to be as good a person as my dog thinks I am!
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Life Lessons
“You never get a second chance to make a good first impression.” -- Mary Kay
“Loving people is hard workl.” -- Rena Tarbet
“The greatest leaders are the greatest followers.” -- Unknown
“You have brains in your head; you have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.” -- Theodor Seuss Geisel
“Stress is defined as the confusion created when one’s mind overides the body’s basic desire to choke the life out of someone who desperately deserves it.” -- A sticker I found
“The work of an individual still remains the spark that moves mankind forward.” -- Sikorsky
“No one has ever become poor by giving.” -- Anne Frank
“The capacity to care is the thing which gives life its deepest meaning.” -- Pablo Casals
“There is a loftier ambition than merely to stand high in the world. It is to stoop down and lift mankind up a little higher” -- Henry Van Dyke
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Attitude
Sent to me by my friend Jan Arnold
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it wouldn't blow away in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I don't intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that you're not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
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Terrific Palindrome
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"If you think you can, you can. If you think you can’t, you’re right."
-Mary Kay Ash
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TO: GOD
FROM: THE DOG
Is it on purpose that our names are the same, only reversed?
Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, one another?
When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch?
Why are there cars named after the jaguar, cougar, mustang, colt, stingray, and rabbit, but not ONE named for a Dog?
If a Dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad Dog?
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Why does the garbage collector steal my stuff?
PS: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?
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What Would You Choose?
In a discussion about whether computers are masculine or feminine, men say they are female because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Women say computers are male because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2 They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
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Pandora Radio is an internet station where you select your favorite music and it creates a selection of similar sounding selections. It’s free!
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Unusual URLs
Below are web addresses of legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear!
Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is: www.whorepresents.com
Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at: www.expertsexchange.com
Looking for a great pen? Look no further than Pen Island at: www.penisland.net
Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at: www.therapistfinder.com
And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky site: www.speedofart.com
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Children's Science Exam Q&As
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"?
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
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Fabulous Videos
Dancing Dog
Chinese Dance Competition
Skidboot the Wonderdog!!!
Women in Art
Dancing Bird
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Great Questions
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
Answer: Strawberry
Why is it that some colors are used as surnames and others are not?
Example: I’ve heard of Mr. Brown & Mrs. Green but never Miss Pink or Mr. Yellow.
A dog truly is man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, see which one is really happy to see you!
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“When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced.
Live your life in such a manner that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice.”
-- Old Indian Saying
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.”
-- Anonymous
“The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.”
-Anonymous
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“To choose one’s attitude in any given circumstance is to choose one’s own way.” -- Victor Frankel, Holocaust Survivor
“People will not remember what you said; people will not remember what you did; they will remember how you made them feel.” -- I do not remember!
“Life isn’t just about what you can have; it’s about what you have to give.”
--Oprah Winfrey
“ The biggest disease today is the feeling of being unwanted, uncared for and deserted by everybody.” -- Mother Teresa
“A friend is a gift you give yourself.” -- Robert Louis Stevenson
“One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who surprisingly, did not whine, nag or bitch. But this was a long time ago, and it was just ONE day.”
-- Sent to me by our friend Jane Bradley
Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.”-- Rod Stewart
Gardening Rule:
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily,
it’s a valuable plant.
History of Communication:
Telegraph. Telephone. Tell a woman!
Rules to Live By:
Every time you learn something, look for an opportunity to teach it.
Make your excuses your reasons.
Champions see their victory long before they celebrate it.
Growth is like peeling an onion.
HEMA is a Dutch department store that opened in 1926 in Amsterdam. There are now 150 stores in the Netherlands, Belgium, Luxemburg, and Germany.
Check out http://producten.hema.nl/
You can't order anything and it's in Dutch but this company has a great sense of humor.
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